he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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