I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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