life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
