He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
