please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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