There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
