I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
