smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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