That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
