i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
