we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I smell stomach acid.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
