Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
