she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
