what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
