im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
