my phone needs a breathalizer
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
