I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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