They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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