Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
