Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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