I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
