so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so much tequila, so little girl.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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