You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This couple is walking their pig around campus
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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