I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
