did you get engaged???
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
