So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
