just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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