Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
