now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
