Nicole vs. Life
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
