Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
