I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
