I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
