her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
