Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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