I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
