my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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