I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
