my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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