k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just invented taco cereal.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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