don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
