So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
