I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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