So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
