yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
