He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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