Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
