there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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