My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
