Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
